Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
