Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.