She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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