He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
