Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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