How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
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He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
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If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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