Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you traded sex for a burrito?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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