i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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