Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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