this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
