Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
