the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
