sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
