she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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