Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
