its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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