I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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