so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
