Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
