I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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