I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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