did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
