he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
