remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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