My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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