Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
