Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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