On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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