I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
