I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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