She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
