I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So apparently I’m into choking now
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
