meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
