Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
