She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
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So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
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You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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