some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
