I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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