sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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