That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
