Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
