my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dick has a subreddit
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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