five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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