Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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