You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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