Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
