Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
