She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
