how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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