I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
