I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
