why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
