...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
