I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
