yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
