I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
