everyone is single if you try hard enough
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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