Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Come share oat with me in your robe
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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