I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
