there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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